For grief's sake...

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm happy being miserable. 

I know how that sounds, and please don't get me wrong, I already know ACC have proportioned off any potential further claim by at least 150% by that statement alone.. bless their fucking rotten socks ... 

So let me do this.... be honest...

I want my blog to get back to anything other than blowing farts up ACC's ass.... I want this blog to be about me... like it was initially intended - prior to those 40k hits back in April and a deformation case. If that means I loose all readers.. then okay... I will put that down to you've all found another escape avenue. If it doesn't work out for you, let me know... apparently, one can blog, get sued, and ... lol

Actually.. I am being facetious ... but in all honestly, it 's hard to think.. how do I crawl back to my non existent living now without letting shit lots of people down. What, you didn't think I was dreaming of those riots out of the Court, Jansen looking like a skinned pork? I did! And he knew it would end up like that... hence- dropped case.

I'm leaning back into the "knowing"........nothing, despite you're fighting, get's you anywhere....maybe it's time to start choosing one's battles as opposed to putting the same fucking ladder against the same wall and expecting something different?

Reply to Denise Cosgrove - Part 2

[Part 2: MAY 11, 2011}

Furthermore, Dr Peter Jansen claims to have not known I was a SCU client and that through my blog name only, he managed to locate me. His Press Release last Friday supports this. 

It is very unsettling to think anyone can make a quantum leap from a random blog name to a full double-barreled name and current "confidential" address. A double-barreled name that only ACC knows. This is of great concern to me Denise as I am currently under Police Protection, on no electoral role, do not own a house or any other assets that would warrant my details on any database of any kind. My ISP address only directs, those curious enough to want to know, to a static internal Network address of which there are approximately 600 users. My name is nowhere on this system. I am also gravely concerned that the ex-cop who served me was my mother's old lover - her address just so happened to be the last known address that ACC has on record and, coincidentally, the last known "rendezvous" point where he met my mother, and in return, I met him. 

I have already had the Police investigate into whether he pulled some strings within the Police Force to access my files - as he is an ex-Detective - and have been assured no information was passed from that direction. My file, as such, means that only one Detective knows my whereabouts and those details are not even stored on the Police database. 

So, it begs the question.... how did Dr Peter Jansen find me?

This may not be of interest to you but it does led into your next suggestion which, is to go straight into a counselling role with someone reporting back to ACC. 

To be perfectly frank Denise, until I get some assurance that Dr Peter Jansen did not access my personal file for his own private legal action, I cannot trust your Organisation to provide the safety and assurance that is required. Obviously, once I am in receipt of the "report" I will be in a better position to make a final decision. . 

I appreciate your acknowledgement and subsequent apology into the lack of service I ought to have received. However, I remain embittered by the fact that I am only receiving this as a result of legal action thrust upon my by one of your employees, a Parliamentary inquiry, pressure from the Press, and (from my perspective) a gross invasion of my privacy. 

Therefore, if you truly think an apology is in order, I want one from Dr Peter Jansen. 

I look forward to your replies to my concerns.

Reply to Denise Cosgrove - Part 1

Hi Denise

Thank you for your contact.

I would prefer my file be sent as requested, to my private PO Box. Can you let me know when you've sent it so I can, in return, email you to assure receipt. I understand that collating my entire file may take a few days.

However, and with regards to the 'report' ACC undertook into ACC staff accessing my file, I do not understand why this would take longer to provide. From my understanding, Dr Peter Jansen has this already. At least his Press Release on Friday eluded to this fact. I would therefore, suggest you perhaps get a copy of his copy and forward to me as a matter of urgency?  

May I say, at this point, that Dr Peter Jansen took his legal action on my as a personal citizen. My understanding of that meant, he distanced himself from ACC and was one of the 'reasons' why Dr Nick Smith, Minister of ACC, would not comment on the action.

The minister says he is unable to intervene, as its a matter between individuals before the court, but hopes that common sense prevails.

Please tell me then, why ACC thought to provide him with a copy of my file and whether or not it had been "unlawfully" accessed and, still made no effort whatsoever to contact me or provide me with the same information, and why (now) I have to wait for a copy? It does not make sense to me that, when it suits Dr Peter Jansen, he sues me as a private citizen in order to distance himself from ACC and then falls back on his position, within ACC, to access information into my concerns - and, moreover, why ACC provided it? 

How can I be assured ACC is protecting my privacy when a "private citizen" can access my files? 

Passing the Buck?

The story, thus far: Around two years ago I applied to ACC for counseling. It was recommended by the Police due to a pending historical sex abuse case. I went to an assessment. Seven months later, I was still waiting to hear back from ACC. I emailed. Nothing. I called. Nothing. I went into a horrible state of depression. Around two years passed.

Less than a month ago, my first contact with ACC was legal action from Dr Peter Jansen, a senior medical advisor for ACC. I apparently defamed him by calling him an "incompetent" prick on this here blog. Interestingly, he never thought it was defamatory to call him a prick, just an incompetent one and equally interesting, at the time of posting, I had only 15 followers - all friends I had probably bribed with emotional blackmail to follow me on my blog. Yeah, so hardly the FBI files, right?

For nearly three weeks I was not allowed to say the word 'incompetent." I had to listen to radio stations claiming there was a "tirade of abuse" about Jansen on my blog. I was not allowed to say, it was hardly a tirade. It was the word... incompetent.

Media started hounded me for personal details, in particular the whereabouts of me and my daughter. Apparently that's News. They even got some crony to pose as my ex-husband in an interview, anyone that would slag me off and attest to things like - I'm an alcoholic, a compulsive liar, a bludger, beneficiary, a professional victim, and have a mental illness. Well I think ACC should hire this crony cause it's a lot less than the $3000.00 they paid for an assessor to come up with PTSD!

I decided to fight back.

I Goggled two of those most respected lawyers in New Zealand - John Millar (http://www.jmlaw.co.nz/) and Steven Price (http://www.medialawjournal.co.nz/).

For the next 25 days, they worked to provide one of the most comprehensive defenses I have ever seen. Aside from the four legal defenses against "defamation", they also went on to include a "tirade" of documentation on the handling of ACC's Clinical Pathways - what I fondly refer to as the Government Assisted Suicide Package.

I hoped like hell that Jansen's ego would get the better of him and he'd proceed to Court because, as his spin doctors would have told him, his case opened up the whole ACC debacle for debate and hundreds of other claimants would come forward. Well someone, somewhere, told Jansen to pull his head in, that his ego was writing cheques ACC couldn't afford, cause within hours of submitting my defense, he dropped his action, and his lawyer issued the previously posted insanely pious statement.. pious meaning: To make a hypocritical display of virtue.

The Media called for my response. I guess calling Jansen a chicken shit doesn't wash with most conventional news people cause nothing I said was published.

I emailed Nick Smith - After all, the Court case was over but where was Jansen's pious claim that "Jax's recovery must take precedence now," as if that was the ONLY reason he was withdrawing legal action - a definite Tui advertisement here.

No response from Nick Smith.

But wait.... I got this today.

Hi

I'm ACC's General Manager for Claims Management and I would very much like to talk to you personally about how we've handled your claim. I'd like to hear your thoughts and concerns directly and discuss with you what we're proposing to put in place to support your recovery.

I've tried a couple of times to call you but the telephone number we have on file (XXXXXXXXXX) no longer appears to be in service. Is there another number I can use? Please feel free to email or call me on 04 816 7146 (my PA, Eleni Simons will answer) and also to suggest a time that would suit you to talk to me.

I look forward to hearing from you...

Kind Regards

Denise Cosgrove

General Manager Claims Management

First question.... so where did you get my personal email address from Denise? Obviously Nick Smith. I don't have any problems with that - just as long as we all recognised that information does get shared when it serves a mutual goal.

Secondly, interesting to note that you couldn't find me, other than via Nick Smith, so pray do tell, what (obviously unorthodox) methods did your colleague use to find me under a confidential address etc?

Okay. Maybe it's an olive branch... maybe I'm naive? Best Google the chick first:

First up: http://www.stuff.co.nz/southland-times/news/4569193/Raw-deal-from-ACC-upsets-city-woman A we story about some ACC Claim being refused. Denise Cosgrove saying: "We are not saying people don't need surgery, it's just that it's not ACC's responsibility."

Second search: http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/health/4425366/ACC-backs-down-over-giving-client-the-boot. A teenage girl shot in the face, who was told to "get off the couch" and go back to work by claims management general manager Denise Cosgrove.

Third link: http://www.3news.co.nz/Marches-against-changes-to-ACC-sexual-abuse-counselling/tabid/419/articleID/126023/Default.aspx

Marches protesting changes to ACC's criteria for counselling for sexual abuse victims have been held in the major cities. Denise Cosgrove says "The changes will mean the "right people" make the diagnosis and they will be "certainty up front".

Change of search engine... YouTube, first hit....A presentation given by Denise Cosgrove where she is heard saying "the most significant was the underpinning cultural change in the organisation, shifting the focus of our people from customer service essentially, to focusing on cost and liability management and I've been impressed....." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AG2kPi-cV8) 

Well this should certainly be interesting As they say in "Blog land"... will keep you posted. 

Thank You....

Thank you to all the people who supported me in the "fight" against the Clinical Pathways of ACC, Peter Jansen, and just downright bullying in general... "You raise me up"

Jansen - YOU CAN'T Touch IT!

No "Mana" in Maori boy Jansen.... bam, bam!

The Search for Truth - consequence

I am no stranger to being "told" to prove myself or my accusations. It goes hand in hand with being a survivor of child sex abuse. 

For me, I first had to prove it to a doctor who physically examined me as a 10 year old. My first step into being believed was counter-attacked by my subsequent suspension from the Catholic boarding school I attended at the time - guess there is nothing "god-like" about my telling them my darkest secrets. So yeah, even at 10, I knew there were "consequences" for speaking out and I also realised the only one that was going to be paying for those consequences, was me. 

My second attempt to speak out was the initial police report I filed in 1984. I was no longer in danger but I feared for the siblings that remained with my offender. Upshot was the entire family, for one reason or another, hurdled themselves around the offender and the offender, himself, called me to say "I brought you into this world, I can take you out." I was left with no alternative but to flee New Zealand. In the process, I lost my family, my sense of belonging, and to a certain extent - myself. 

I look back to that time and think "What on earth was I thinking?" I mean, there I was with a one-way ticket to London. I knew no one, had nowhere to stay, and yet all that unknown was nothing compared to my life back home. Some times people make decisions based on which fear is easier to deal with and all the horror movies of being kidnapped, raped, or even murdered didn't phase me. I was free from the past. That's all that mattered. 

In 1992, I dared to return to NZ. I missed my big brother, my sister, my family. Yet within 24 hours of arriving, I was in A&E, beaten to a pulp by a family member because of "me and my big mouth." Truth be known, I was planning to marry someone I met in the UK and I refused to invite my offender, play happy families as it were - consequence. 

The Police, at the time, advised me to return to the UK, marry... move on. I did just that. 

A few years on, I was notified about subsequent victims. Same offender. And yes, that sent me down a spiral path I would not wish on my worse enemy. I felt like I had failed - it was my fault. And I had such anger towards the NZ Police for not "truly" investigating that I thought I would explode. I naively thought they were about Prevention rather than cure... I have since become more sympathetic to their ways. 

I had, up until then, managed to maintain a normal existence - until my daughter was born and then... lord help me...the sight of that poor vulnerable being, totally at my mercy, dragged so much pain up inside of me I felt like I just couldn't keep it together any more. Now, more than ever, I wanted/needed my mother, my family, my sisters and brothers.... I separated and returned to NZ.

Those subsequent victims now wish to prosecute. Those same siblings I had begged for help from, now want me (big mouth, troublemaker) to help them, and two years ago, I filed my statement.  

I can pull my head out of the clouds long enough to see just what the Police need from me in order to have a solid case. But there "handling" of me was worlds apart from the handling I received from ACC.

The Police investigate. They don't offer counselling. So their advice to get some from ACC to "help me" during the process was something I didn't think too untoward. But here's the difference: both the Police and ACC want the same thing - proof. 

Police picked me up from my home. They had support people for me. They videoed the interview. Constantly asked if I needed a break. They took their guidance from me and from my support person. Yes, they asked for graphic detail. They asked for me to call a spade a spade. They asked me to relive every single detail and understood I could not just tell me story - I had to relive it. Afterwards, I sat with the support person for hours, bawling like a child (I'd been reduced to one) and later, they drove me home and checked in with me every day to see how I was doing. 

From ACC, I got a letter. Meet this strange woman I'd never met at an address, 70kms from my home. I did. Again, she (just like the Police) wanted graphic details - exact details. Unlike the Police, there was no support person. The assessor had a flight in two hours; we were pushed for time. Afterwards, she thanked me and left the office. I, on the other hand, sat outside the office for three hours trying to figure out how on earth I was even going to get home. I had my daughter with me - figuring in childcare to meet with ACC demands just isn't an issue. And afterwards? Nothing! Not for months. At least the Police provided me with a transcript of my interview - which, I still haven't had the balls to read. From ACC, it took seven months of nagging before I even got a wee snippet of the initial assessors report - and that, in itself, did nothing but leave questions.  

The months after the ACC assessment, I went from bad to worse. I don't think I would have classed myself as depressed before - sure, I'd had bad days but they were just "days" - this latest "episode" was something out of even my control. I fell in love with my couch. It was my haven. I couldn't even summon up the energy to even think about a shower let alone have one and in all honesty, both my child and I lived like pigs. I never left the house. I felt so exposed and so vulnerable - what with the Court case pending and my inability to even sleep - I was loosing it, big time. 

My lowest was a feeble attempt to kill myself. I didn't have any pills or anything cause - catch 22 - I wasn't registered with a Doctor who could prescribe any and could never get an appointment to even see one. My last attempt to do just that, meant $92.00 just for them to put me on their books!... the walls were closing in. 

I took to blogging. It's what saved my life - just 15 wee friends all chatting. I didn't even have to leave me couch! I admit, it was naive to think that anything I said couldn't reach a wider audience but, truth be told, I'd practically told everyone who was in a position to help, that I needed help and they couldn't give a toss... so I never thought anything I said mattered anyhow. Least of all the copious emails I sent to ACC.

From behind that blog, I grew stronger. I showered. I did some dishes. I listened and called in frequently to the Nutter's Club. My blogging friends encouraged me to leave my current situation.... up sticks and move on.... and I did. 

I am now gainfully employed. Off the hamster wheel of WINZ. I'm finding my feet again. My kid is happy. I can pay for new school shoes. We're on a winner... onwards and upwards...

.... and then... Dr Jansen comes at me with a two-by-four. 

Consequence. One thing I learned in 40 years of consequence is this: I ain't taken it any more! I'm sick and tired of running and I'm damned if I will sit and be bullied. Enough is enough. It's someone else's turn to learn the true meaning of "consequence."


In other words: "Whakapuakina te pono!"  

Where for art thou Peter?

Where for art though Dr Jansen... you've gone all quiet since my legal firm jmlaw.co.nz/ contacted your lawyer on April 16th.... what's the guts?

Victim? Survivor? What's in a word?

Thank you to all who responded..... I would like to add this: I am a SURVIVOR of sexual abuse. Those who have experienced the same and are alive, are also 'survivors,' in my view. 

This statement I have made is not about being a "professional victim" as some may like to claim - such is the nature of Freedom of Speech. It's about refusing to remain labelled as one.

Having said that, being a survivor doesn't automatically mean one has to be chirpy and upbeat all the time. Gee, sometimes I am such pissed off at things as a woman, a person, a mother, an employee.... not everything I do or feel should be constrained by the label people seem to want to impose on me - a victim. 

This stand (or whatever people want to call it) is about the experience I have endured with ACC AND is not an isolated case. It wouldn't have created such a polarisation within NZ society if it were. 

It's about bullying - someone telling you to shut up, know your place, don't argue - or else!

There are a lot of incredibly courageous women and men who have written to me over the last week detailing their own "inefficient" experiences with the legal system, ACC, justice in general. They're the real soldiers in all this. 

And it's time.... time to STOP making child sexual abuse the safest crime to commit, the hardest to convict, the least likely to be punished, and the hardest to gain support or counselling for....

It's time.

Semantics

Left (over there) is an alleged symbolic representation of disbelief. 

Apparently, in my person opinion, but with out prejudice, and since I have fingers, um... the three hand movements represent a short cut to expressing three words that just about expresses pretty much anything really - WTF.

Using your hand means you can save having to use your mouth... not that I have anything against mouths, or hands for that matter, or other forms of communication like pens and keyboards, whiteboards and/or blackboards... (wipes beads of sweat from her brow)... 

And cutting words up, not writing them out completely is great, economical in fact cause you drop vowels as opposed to buying vowels. The expression is mild, or perhaps more than mild to those who consider this perhaps not mild, a symbolic gesture of frustration..

Oh for Pete's sake.. not that I have anything against anyone called Pete or intending to call anyone Pete.

My point if this.. some people make it hard to express an opinion when everyone's opinion/perspective/beliefs have to be taken in respect.....it's called "setting people up to fail".

As the caption says.... WTF?  

TGIF......

Woke to the news that I had taken down my blog and the "highly offensive" material. For a moment there, I thought some Internet Corporation had taken it down and without me knowing.... I half expected Julian Assange to give me a call.

So, just to confirm... 

I have not been contacted by anyone - from ACC, Jansen, Nick Smith, the Police, Jansen's legal team - anyone about taking my blog down. 

I also refute Nick Smith's comments saying I had been contacted by Mr Jansen in November requesting I take my blog down and that only because the blog was still up there, some 4-5 months later, he sort legal action. I find that odd considering my first email, upon being served, was to Jansen's very lawyer and his reply confirming that was my first communication with him. 

I would also like to add that I have not received 10 years of counselling already from ACC. What I have done is spent a lot of personal money on private counselling whilst I was overseas, back in the good old days when I was a single person and could afford it. (at least 12 years ago now)

I would also like to make a request to Media in general: Please don't hound me for my personal details like my name and address. The only reason why have I not gone public is because, for the first time in years, my child has been able to be semi-normal again. She has made new friends at her new school. She even went to a school camp! The last thing I want is to have uproot her (again) because someone somewhere thought it would be real cool to publicly expose her mother's whereabouts. 

Oh I see RadioLive has decided it would be real cool to do just that... expose me and to top off it off, they've just taken a call from an ex-husband of mine... assuming it is him, doesn't sound much like it but hey.... let's not let the truth get in the way of a good story eh Michael Laws?  Unbelievable.

Jansen: Law suit - hits Parliament

I had to start work at 9am this morning, bushy eyed and attentive.  You'd think that was the least an employer could ask right?

Wrong!

I got a few phone calls... please excuse me for being vague about who - I'm just really starting to understand the power of the "STFU" syndrome.

Needless to say.... my law suit was brought up in Parliament -the place to go when one is ignored.... 

Now ask me this, did I enjoy seeing Hon Tony Ryall being body slammed by something he knew nothing about.... by the looks of things.....No. But here's the thing... it's neither my problem or concern cause at the end of day, he should know... end of story. That's what he gets paid the big bucks for.

This unaccountability shit has become rife in Society. 

Did I like the way Carmel presented the body slam? Well, that's a little more difficult to answer on the basis I knew what she was about to do - with my full permission - and so, I guess the element of surprise was not there so, no, I wasn't that "surprised".

What did get me was the fact that there doesn't seem to be much accountability within an individual's portfolio.  If Ryall didn't know what Jansen was up to when why go hire him to set up a new commission of "sorts" on his behalf? 

http://www.hqsc.govt.nz/section/12380/commission-members/?section=12380&tab=1724) 

This is a couchy job if ever you saw one and by all account none of us have - unlike some people, we all actually have to work for a living - legitimately. Still, it begs the question: How much faith can we have in these people when they go hire someone who goes on to "set them up" covering their ass in Parliament? 

I felt a "tad" uncomfortable seeing Ryall swirm in Parliament. Only cause I could see - bannered across his forehead, all glistening and neon like...."WTF is this chick talking about?".. In fact, at one point, he refers to Carmel as "He... She.." You can see the panic in his eyes.... 

So listen up ..... I am being taken to Court. Apparently, "ignorance is no defence." 

Well guess what? I put that same shit back on the Politicians who have blown sunshine out Jansen's ass.... "Ignorance is no defence." You did't know he was suing some sensitive claims client behind your backs? 

Tough... get in line... face the consequence...

Like I have been made to do. 

The Insatiable Moon

"Sometimes you have to let go
to see where you end up"

This has got to be my all time favourite movie of the year. It's has a simple, digestible, storyline but it's still big enough to fill the most shallowest of appetites. I spent a lot of my time watching the movie with my eyebrows pinned to the top of my head - as if that would stop me being moved by the characters or bawling like a baby. 


Ian Mune, who plays Norm, an alcoholic, won me over with his deep penetrable eyes that can only come from someone with years and experience of profound yet often hidden homelessness. Yet there was never a hint of shame. You do, however, get a rare insight into the sadness and the understanding of how alcohol, for Norm, had become a way of connecting to people - some he sees and others, we don't. Norm is like many people we  pass on the street and wonder why they don't just dry out. After watching this movie you get to understand - you'd be damn crazy to go through his life sober.


Greg Johnson, who plays Bob, the homeless shelter's live-in caretaker, was my next best character. He loves profanity and dishes it out like a boy racer on speed - fast and furious - but his heart is in the right place. It's refreshing to hear let alone see his non-PC approach to his boys who all have varying stages of mental illness. It would be easy to assume that Bob dislikes his job. He cooks, cleans, and mothers his seemingly thankless lodgers - at one point, cussing them out for not looking after their threadbare clothes and all the while, threading a needle to patch them up. But looks can be deceiving - Bob needs these men as much they need him. It's a pure delight.


I won't go into the storyline or what happens to these characters because I really urge you to see this New Zealand movie yourself. Not only because it helps support Kiwi actors and the movie industry as a whole but it's a glorious and heart-moving way of looking into the lives of the mentally ill and seeing - ironically - just how "normal" they really are. 


The Insatiable Moon - NZ details

Marnie of the E Street

Thane Zander's poem "Marnie of the E Street Shelter" is going to feature in The Aucklander (NZ Herald) next Thursday supporting Headlines, an ezine whose sole contributors are mental health consumers. 

Show your support - buy a copy.

Thane Zander has lived all over New Zealand, either as an itinerant child (Father moving to jobs from deepest south to farthest north) or as a 27 year veteran in the Royal New Zealand Navy. He was struck down with Bipolar Disorder in 2000 and has since moved “back” to Palmerston North and environs. The onset of Bipolar Disorder also heralded his entry into the poetry world, and from 2000 to 2005 he had written around 250 poems. This accelerated from 2006 to well over 1000 poems, and counting. He's also an avid supporter on The Nutter's Club, works with Like Minds, and is one awesome photographer.

Marnie of the E Street�Shelter � Head Lines

Second Chances

The Nutter's Club talked about second chances this evening. Well, they talked predominately about suicide and what some people would have done if they'd had their time over again - would they have helped saving that person, reached out, or if you were the person who attempted suicide, what you would have done differently. And I don't mean the latter as in what a person would have done to have successfully killed themselves. I mean, what would they have done differently that would have eliminated them even having those thoughts in the first place. I'm not sure but I think that at some stage everyone feels slightly suicidal. 

My first so-called real attempt was when I was about 18. I'd started reading positive self-help books. One was called, "You Can Heal Your Life," by Louise Hay. It ought to go without saying that anyone reading a book with a title like that thinks there is something seriously amiss in their life. I was no different. However, I took two main things from this book. One was the author claiming that we, that's you and me, choose our life and therefore, by default, all that happens in it. My first reaction, as a survivor of child sex abuse, was how on earth would I have chosen this life? This woman must be mad! The second thing I took from the book was the power of positive thinking. For months I would sit, meditate, and try to put pink bubbles around all the things I needed in my life - let the thought go out into the Universe, as you do, and well... I'm still waiting for some of those things to manifest. The point is, I truly believed what I wished for would happen and one night, when things were at their darkest, I laid back on my bed, pulled the blankets up all neat and tidy, closed my eyes, and put a beautiful pink bubble around the thought of people finding me the very next day, stone dead. 

I woke the next morning terrified I was dead. 

In hindsight, I know I was never quite ready for suicide. Obviously it takes more than just wishful thinking. It wouldn't be until decades later that I would truly experience the insane desire to end my life and what scared me the most was I just couldn't find it in myself to feel afraid. Not even the typical fantasy of having family members stumbling across my dead carcass and living their lives in tormented guilt never really gave me a buzz any more. I simply didn't care. They say that people who come off alcohol who still act vile, repugnant and abusive are called 'dry drunks.' Still acting pissed just without the alcohol. I think the same applies to how I felt about suicide - the kind of living dead really or, at the very least, a person who felt dead on the inside. 

Well I'm obviously still alive and the second chance I think I would have liked to have given myself during those times was/is what is saving my life right now. No, it's not dwelling over those family members who are no longer in my life (through my choice) or even looking at my daughter and buying into those accusations some people have thrown up at me - useless mother, waste of space etc. 

It's looking back to the three-year-old child I knew I once was, holding out my hand to her and saying...sure, it may be only me and you right now but in a funny way, it always was. Only now, this time, every decision, every choice, is made with a small child's hand in my hand and a promise to never let go. This is not only my second chance but my last chance. 

For some, maybe the answers to the future really do lay in the past.

Ya names at the door...

A lot of people want to "do" good but very few "action" it. Mostly because we don't have the opportunities to - we got our own crap to sort out right? - and then again, you come across someone who, despite all the "crap in their lives" still do everything within their power to reach out. And those people, in my view, are the unsung modern day heroes...and one such man is New Zealand's Mike King. (I am not on commission, just in case you're wondering)

Mike is a stand-up comedian. He's going to hate my minimalistic CV of his accomplishments but... yeah, he makes people laugh for a living and more recently, he walked away from a very profitable advertising campaign because he couldn't endorse the way pigs were being bred for slaughter - New Zealand's Pork industry are still reeling from that (Ha ha!). That's what the mainstream media would like you to know about Mike King. Mainstream cause it's all wrapped in dollars and marketing and who gets what cut of the profit pie. But what some of you might not know is Mike King is also a hero of new Zealand's Mental Health.

He hosts a Radio show, broadcast every Sunday night that runs simultaneously with a Facebook page. Here, he breaks the taboo and openly, real openly, talks about depression, alcohol addiction and drugs. We might not "fit" into some of those addictive labels but the general outcome - one of isolation and desperation - remains the same. I have provided the links for both the show and the Facebook page, so I won't bore you with any more details on that. However, what you and I, the listeners, the callers, the production team, and yes, even Mike himself, may not know is.... what effect this show (and Mike) is having on the lives of those he's touches.

There have many callers, with stories that could fit this "spot" so to speak - least of all, my own and the reasons why I stumbled across the group, but tonight, now, this limelight belongs to Sean Muir.

Sean called the Nutter's Club in February. He sounded a 'well rounded' person on the phone, just someone, any one of us would pass on the street without a second thought. What we never knew about Sean was that he suffered from depression and never knew about it "until 2005 when he and his partner split up." He took the split bad, real bad.

"I ended up pouring petrol over myself at a gas station."  

The Police were called, well before the incident, because Sean had left notes to members of the family. "They found a note at my Uncles and Aunty's house, where I was staying. I just didn't want them to blame themselves for it so left notes telling them it was my choice." Sean did try to set himself alight but, as fate would have it, none of his lighters would work, and this gave the Police enough time to run at him and (to use his words), "they beat the hell out of me, knocked me to the ground,"

Sean's failed suicide attempt landed him in the "nut house for a week" but the battle was still not over. 

In 2008, he decided to go dairy farming. "I love animals so I got a job on what I thought was a good farm and had my partner and kids move in." Things were going well for Sean until depression started seeping back into his life. "I think I was just getting overworked, doing 14 hour days, 11 days straight with only three days off." Unsurprisingly, the relationship started to deteriorate and in August 2009, they broke up.

After a month of consuming grief and depression, Sean started to listen to the Nutter's Club. "It was odd really, cause after the split, she took all her gear and I didn't even have a radio so I went and bought one and turned it on a Sunday night and there was Mike King talking about his depression." Sean didn't ring the show straight away. "I listened for a couple of weeks just going through my own hell... I was sitting there, crying and drinking bourbon (yum yum, lol, I don't drink it much anymore) and Sam, my dog, wouldn't let me out like he could see the pictures in my head... I called Mike instead."

"He told me he was coming to my hometown for a comedy show and that if I left my number with him, he'd call me over the next few days." Sean left his number but never thought for a moment that Mike would call, after all, "I thought he was just having me on cause you know, he's real busy."

Sean still has the text messages that Mike sent as he traveled through the South Island.

"Ya got wheels bro?"

"I said yeah and that I would love to come to his show but can't afford it. He messaged back that it was on him but I still thought, this guy's pulling my leg, why would someone do that for me?"

Sean arrived at the show with his mother.

"We got to the show, walked in and didn't have tickets so I walked up to one of the bar staff and showed her the text messages from Mike and she said yes, your table is right over here, and she showed us to the table and they were the best seats in the house."

"It was funny cause limos were turning up and people were looking to see if it was Mike King. Then I saw this  Maui camper-van turn up and I said, that's got to be him and ran outside."

"Sure enough, Mike comes walking up the hill with his big cheesy grin and stood next to me. I lit up a cigarette and he kinda said, hi ya bro, how you doing. I don't think he knew who I was."

I introduced myself and ...(tears up)...we give each other a hug while people are walking in, looking at us. We have a talk about the Nutter's Club and what struck me, was all these people, staring at us while we were standing there talking like old mates. Man I felt good."

"I told him my mother was inside and we walked in together. You know, he went straight up to my mum and have her a big hug and kiss. Then he asked her how she was doing and told her ...(more teary eyes)... I'm gunna help get our Sean sorted."

"Even in the breaks, he came over to and talked to us, bought some drinks. It made me realise something... if he thought I was worth something, then maybe I am - he also taught me to laugh again as I have a wicked sense of humor but just lost it for a while."

"I can never thank him enough for that. Maybe it was a small thing to him but it was giant for me. He even signed my shirt and I got some pictures with him."

"Happy? That would be an understatement. I was beaming from ear to ear. I realised, I am not a bad person and that I am worth something. Man, things have changed since then."

TNC - The new flagging system

So we're heading into Day two of the Nutter Club banning saga...

Day started out well. Woke to a lovely message from Mike King, posted at 2am, asking for 24 hours to look into this "whole big bloody mess" and a promise to "get back to you sister." He posted again a few minutes later asking whether I'd killed him off my Facebook page.

Well actually, what really happened is I went to my computer, flipped it on, and saw the following through blurred eyes: Mike King...kill...Jax." Probably the first time in a long that I was wide awake and without any coffee. It was then that I remembered sitting up last night with my mum, trying to teach her how to play poker on a Facebook application. She got so into it even if, um, we lost $71,000. It could have been more, only I went to bed and left her to it...playing poker on my Facebook account and appearing 'online' for the world to see. Now, Mike's messages made sense. He sees me online, emails me, I do nothing. On this end of the stick, mum plays poker, is about to win hand, something beeps, and she freaks out, shutting down the whole entire system.

Her explanation - "Gee I dunno, something went bleep, the page went swish and I went see you!" Mystery number one, solved for the day.

Mike did call, not too long after I wiped the sleep from my eyes. Hard to sound like you've been up for ages when your jiggling to do number ones. "Now let me explain something," he said. Details of how the Facebook flagging system worked and how complaints are worked all followed. 

Did you know that in every group, on their discussion page, there is a 'flag' alongside every comment made? Now don't go thinking, like me, that is was just another "like ya post' thing cause it is so way...not! Others even thought it was a flag that enabled you to follow just that person's comments, you know, like some convenient stalker button or something, and again, it is just so way...not! What it is, is an instantaneous 'report' button that is flagged to Facebook direct! Don't roll your eyeballs like you knew! Anyhow, the rule of thumb is, flagged 10 times and the Group Management is notified. Flagged more than that and it over-rides the group and goes direct to the Facebook Gods. They then contact the group managers and ask for some "action" to be taken against the flaggette. 

Now I don't have any issues with security. Love it, don't know it works, need it? Call a friend. That's me. Done. I don't want to know how it works. I just want it to work for me. 

But there are those times when it will actually work against you. In the case of the flagging system within Facebook groups, any old member, even those without a grudge can flag your comments. I was flagged 40 times last Sunday night. Enough to have the Facebook NZ Security Guards wet themselves, so it would seem. They passed on their "grave" concerns to the Nutter's Club Management Team who have "never had a request like this in their life!"

The fact that they have never had a previous request is because it's a new system and NOT because I'd suddenly matured into some sort of new-age Scarlet O'Hara techno queen - much like what TNC thought and very much what I was, in fact, led to believe. So, in short, they panicked. That panic was fed into the "warning" letter I received from TNC head quarters about my "in appropriate conduct." It was then flamed by a coincidentally timed letter of complaint about me. So now, we have one man, head of TNC Computer department with a Facebook official notification and a written complaint. All the evidence one needs to perform an instant ban. 

We understand the flagging by now but you're probably thinking I've been caught out big time by a four-page letter of complaint - um "well articulated" and all as well. I thought the same thing when Mike King was explaining this all to me. Four pages? What size font? Oh...normal reading size then. Well whoever it was had a lot to say then. 

The problem is this: No one read the complaint. Well, you know, they got the general idea that this person was kind of pissed off but not once was there that nagging question festering in the back of someone's head... how can this be right, this is Jax he's talking about? But it's an articulated letter so this dude has to be right.. oh what a conundrum. Upshot being flagging and articulate man won and the knee jerk reactions began.

I did try to pick up clues in the letter from TNC about what was the problem and do recall stumbling on the word "historical." These complaints have been going on for some time, I was told. TNC are usually very patient when it comes to complaints. They tolerate more from their members on the basis they're all...um, nuts really. So yeah, you get someone having an emotional meltdown and sometimes, very rarely, they will get hauled off site quick smart. In all the time I was a member, I saw this done only 3-4 times. They were particularly offensive: white supremacist's and other wackos. All others were given warnings. 

For me to have not received even a warning, and considering we're talking historical here as well, came out of the blue - put me right up there alongside the Nazi (ex)member and real nasty pieces of work. Little old me. And that, quite frankly, caused an uproar.

Since I was unable to post or comment on the Site, I could do nothing but watch the room tear itself apart. A sad day to say the least. There were protests, demands for an explanation, some left the group altogether, while others sat around looking all befuddled and more confused than when they arrived. TNC Management did all they could to try and quell the unrest and when it got too heated, the heavy handedness came out. "If you don't like it, maybe you should leave." People became more and more outraged by the dogmatic responses and eventually, there was a shut down of the entire site. That was day one.

Day two with Mike King explaining how complaints are dealt with and I am feeling a little more positive. I ask what he needs me to do to help troubleshoot. I post on my private Facebook page for people to stop hassling the TNC management. I write to Radiolive and ask they delete any negative TNC (pro-Jax) comments off my blog promoting TNC. Mike makes several calls and then post on TNC site for people to stop being dickheads and attacking the Management team. Posts come pouring in. Again, I can only watch. Posts asking for an explanation, an apology, and there was even a wee attempt to start a petition. All very flattering if not soul destroying at the same time - I'm usually in the midst of all this drama and there I was looking from the outside in. The posts become very heated and Management cops some flack, some nasty flack, some real nasty flack. The site is, once more, closed down. 

A certain member of the TNC Management now thinks there is a witch hunt going on for the person who flicked the switch on my membership, and that culprit, once again, is me. So now we have this person feeling ever so persecuted in control of who can post and who can't. It comes therefore, as no surprise, that positive and supportive posts are being deleted while some, clearly in breech of any group guidelines remain for the world to see. This causes outrage number two and again, I can see, I can read, but I cannot comment, post, nothing. 

Four hours after Mike King called with suggestions on how we could troubleshoot this situation and regain some of the group's former glory, I email and retract my desire to return to the group.

I cannot see how I could even enter that group without erupting a hornet's nest. My friends will be subtle, say things like "hi how are you Jax" but they're human and they have also been hurt and insulted, so it wouldn't take long for someone to say "and about bloody time. Good to have you back. They made a mistake" etc., and that would start up round four. 

Besides, how long would it be before anyone just randomly "flagged" my post before I found myself out on my ear again and through no fault of the group or management? Especially as there is still this matter of the written complaint - a letter from a regular who has taken offense to my popularity and, from what I can gather, has stalked me for months on the Group, cutting and pasting every comment, to collate into his hideous report. 

That in itself was what annoyed Mike King the most because had he known about this letter, he too would have realised the author is well... not well, really. He has had a similar experience with the same person. I have enough clues now to have a very good indicator of who this person is and my instant reaction was to cull 192 contacts from my Facebook account - him included. I do resent the fact that he's been sitting there in the wings reading my personal Facebook page and collating that with whatever has been discussed on TNC. He a cyber stalker, surely? If nothing else a very sad and somewhat creepy dude. 

And so now, it's 3am and Mike King would have finished his stand up comedy gig. I just hope he reads my email and says "To hell with it, I'm too bloody tired to deal with this crap." I would. Like they say, things have a way of working themselves out in the end and for those that did have a malicious part in any of this (you know who you are) I have this to say: "Karma."  

Banned from The Nutter's Club

I woke this morning to a letter from the administrator of the Nutter's Club saying I was in breech of the group's Guidelines, that they had received "numerous" complaints in person. Initially I thought it was one of those "bad taste" jokes and I may even have responded to it like that. However, the reply left me in no doubt:

"You are lucky that we're even responding to you, Facebook want you banned."

I immediately went to the group's site to try and locate this serious breech and could not find anything. A email to the admin asking for details of said offence was met with a cat and mouse game - basically telling me to go find it for myself. I found this very hard to do as I was now banned from the site and so too were all "offence" message including one that apparently had "legal ramifications." Legal? WTF?

I have since been notified that my membership to the group was deleted by Facebook and not TNC. Can Facebook do that I wonder? Can they go into any old group and simply delete members without the Group Owner's agreement?

Well whatever "it" was that was deemed so offensive that it caused me to be banned will obviously remain a mystery.

I still think TNC is a good group. I think what they do is extraordinary for those struggling through mental illness and yes, it has been a saving grace for me in the past. I am very confused about their decision and more than a little PISSED OFF.

As difficult as it will be, I will still advocate for the Group and all that they endeavour to do - even as the Scarlet O'Hara outcast.

Come One, come all!