August 12, 2011

The Unruliness of Single Women

You would think in this day and age that attitudes would have changed towards the single woman but they're as archaic as ever. In fact, I think it's getting worse. Strong minded woman are often referred to as butch lesbians who just need Mr Right to come along and convert them - as if that's all it would take. A single woman at a bar is on the hunt and if you throw single parenting into the mix, you're not only on the hunt but completely and utterly irresponsible in your parenting duties as well. I see many men sitting at bars. Not once do I assume their on the hunt - they might be but it just never enters my head. I still reckon a lot of those men are fathers as well. So why aren't they sluts and drop dead dads? 

Why can't a woman have a male friend? Or more to the point, only have a so-called genuine male friend when there is a more permanent male in her private life? Why does that even have to be legitimized? 

And it's not just men who think this, it's women. A single chick at a dinner party has the power to disrupt the equilibrium of boring vanilla talk. It's like she's become part of the menu, something to devour because, God forbid, her sexuality is not governed by the permanency of a male figure on her arm.  In other words, a woman is only "safe" when there is a man guarding against the leakage of her sexual prowess - oh, what, you don't think women have that? They do and it scares the crap out of people!

I only ever get to feel this claustrophobic when I sense the subtle innuendos leaking into every day life. God forbid, I am a single woman and with that, comes an innate ability to  sniff out the stench of gossip-mongers - those weird outburst from people who are usually sensible; dribbling shit that means nothing but comes with a stab in your back feeling; the looks of condemnation (at what, I ask?); and the utter cowardliness of those who do not possess the balls to confront me with their thoughts. Passive aggressive. Yes, I think that's what it's called. Still, a coward though. 

And I say this...

Tough shit. I am the owner of my being. I possess it. No one else. It cannot be bought, bartered, badgered or bribed. You don't like what you 'think' I'm doing, have the balls to confront me about it. Or is the real truth, you can't confront me cause it would only tell me what 'sort' of person you really are?

August 8, 2011

Ruh Roo

Thank God I don't need to have a book to refer to... no, I have something much more tangible, more "in your face", and that is guilt and shame...

I went out last Thursday..nothing untoward. Just a few drinks with some work mates - how hard can that be, right? I went there at 6:30ish and left around 10pm. A respectable time, I thought... but here's the thing. I didn't think.

Once upon a time, you know, when one got to that "time to go home" stage of drinking, one was warned with a sense of wooozy-ness or that infamous slur when you're trying to impress someone and your tongue grows 8 meters... maybe you have smashed a few glasses, eyed up the wrong person, picked a fight.. who knows?  The thing is, now... I have no warning signs... I am drinking, having a laugh, and then ... nothing. 

Has anyone every had the God awful moment when you wake up in the morning and have to make sense of the night before? I'd say that was a drinking problem (oh don't worry ACC, I've already written you off so you can stop scouring my blog for hints of compensation deduction).... back to the real people... 

I have and it's the most scariest thing in the world. 

They say, whoever the fuck "they" are but... if drink starts screwing up your life then it is a problem... sounds ever so logical but, the thing is, it isn't screwing up my life.... on the outside. You know, that "bit" everyone else gets to see and judge.... but it is screwing me up on the inside. 

They say (You got it, whoever the fuck "they are") you can't change what you don't acknowledge, so I guess this is a mini break through for me... what a crock of shit. I have had warning signs before. I chose to ignore them. And now? Now is different... now is scary. Now is now....