July 29, 2010

Never say nether..

‘Netherwood’ is a film that has finished shooting, but needs financing to complete post production. All they need is 1,000 members of their Facebook page. 

Interview on Youtube:


July 28, 2010

Sir Sewell

The tide recedes, 
but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand. 
The sun goes down, 
but gentle warmth still lingers in the land. 
The music stops, 
and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains. 
For every joy that passes, 
something beautiful remains.

(To Karen, from HBC)

July 26, 2010

Second Chances

The Nutter's Club talked about second chances this evening. Well, they talked predominately about suicide and what some people would have done if they'd had their time over again - would they have helped saving that person, reached out, or if you were the person who attempted suicide, what you would have done differently. And I don't mean the latter as in what a person would have done to have successfully killed themselves. I mean, what would they have done differently that would have eliminated them even having those thoughts in the first place. I'm not sure but I think that at some stage everyone feels slightly suicidal. 

My first so-called real attempt was when I was about 18. I'd started reading positive self-help books. One was called, "You Can Heal Your Life," by Louise Hay. It ought to go without saying that anyone reading a book with a title like that thinks there is something seriously amiss in their life. I was no different. However, I took two main things from this book. One was the author claiming that we, that's you and me, choose our life and therefore, by default, all that happens in it. My first reaction, as a survivor of child sex abuse, was how on earth would I have chosen this life? This woman must be mad! The second thing I took from the book was the power of positive thinking. For months I would sit, meditate, and try to put pink bubbles around all the things I needed in my life - let the thought go out into the Universe, as you do, and well... I'm still waiting for some of those things to manifest. The point is, I truly believed what I wished for would happen and one night, when things were at their darkest, I laid back on my bed, pulled the blankets up all neat and tidy, closed my eyes, and put a beautiful pink bubble around the thought of people finding me the very next day, stone dead. 

I woke the next morning terrified I was dead. 

In hindsight, I know I was never quite ready for suicide. Obviously it takes more than just wishful thinking. It wouldn't be until decades later that I would truly experience the insane desire to end my life and what scared me the most was I just couldn't find it in myself to feel afraid. Not even the typical fantasy of having family members stumbling across my dead carcass and living their lives in tormented guilt never really gave me a buzz any more. I simply didn't care. They say that people who come off alcohol who still act vile, repugnant and abusive are called 'dry drunks.' Still acting pissed just without the alcohol. I think the same applies to how I felt about suicide - the kind of living dead really or, at the very least, a person who felt dead on the inside. 

Well I'm obviously still alive and the second chance I think I would have liked to have given myself during those times was/is what is saving my life right now. No, it's not dwelling over those family members who are no longer in my life (through my choice) or even looking at my daughter and buying into those accusations some people have thrown up at me - useless mother, waste of space etc. 

It's looking back to the three-year-old child I knew I once was, holding out my hand to her and saying...sure, it may be only me and you right now but in a funny way, it always was. Only now, this time, every decision, every choice, is made with a small child's hand in my hand and a promise to never let go. This is not only my second chance but my last chance. 

For some, maybe the answers to the future really do lay in the past.

July 22, 2010

Dear Anon - ACC Worker

Dear (Anon)  

…cough, cough…ahem…MW - yes we all know who you are.

I have not published your post because in short - it’s libel. My advice to you (once again) is to take legal advice if you truly believe your accusations are grounded. My Blog is not here for your personal malicious agenda.

On the other matter raised, I do not recommend you or whoever you claim is effected by sexual abuse to travel down the ACC route for counseling, help, or assistance. Even though you work at ACC, I really don’t think that would make one iota of difference, unfortunately. The sad fact is, even if you were to process a claim through ACC, it takes so much out of the applicant that sometimes, they end up in a worse state or just drop their claim – well, that IS the agenda behind ACC’s scheme, so I guess that is kind of working really.

I believe that L. Morrison at The Nutter’s Club gave you some ideas about seeking help through the Auckland services. There is also the obvious option of going private and, since more than 600 counselors nationwide have removed any affiliation with the ACC’s “method,” you stand a much better chance of finding someone genuine. You might like to consider going through WINZ. They have a disability allowance (I believe up to approximately $60 per week) for private counseling and, unlike ACC, you can choose who to see and there is complete confidentiality.

However, what does concern me is Peter Jansen (ACC) gave clear indications that ACC were actively “working with” other agencies to cater for those who either don’t qualify or just don’t want to be inhumanely “processed” by the current Clinical Pathways. We have only just applied for that information ourselves under the Official Information Act as he seems to suffer amnesia when being asked directly. We should know in a few weeks. What I find intriguing is, if an ACC employee doesn’t even know about these services then maybe our suspicions are correct - there are no other services, never were. Just another piece of bullshit thrown into the public arena as a knew jerk reaction to a “system” he imposed, no one endorsed, and every one hates.

Welcome to our world - your frustration at the lack of affordable options outside ACC is shared by thousands of women/men nationwide.

On a more personal note, I do not believe you just “stumbled across” my blog by accident. The two recent ‘friend’ additions to your Facebook page (Leah & Geoffrey) are a testament to your real intentions and theirs as well, I might add. Now, I have answered your questions on ACC, in case they are genuine, but I think you would be best advised to seek further answers elsewhere. Your rancid emails which attack me and my child, I can do well without.

And lastly, if you don’t like my blog – “Um…fuck off and don’t read it.” It really is that simple. 

July 14, 2010

Meltdown Mel

I thought we'd moved on from women being blamed for provoking rape but it seems as if Mel Gibson just didn't get the memo. In the following recording, he can be heard telling his soon-to-be ex-wife that she ought to change her boobs (again), claiming their too big and make her look like a Vegas hooker, not to mention the "green dress" that is just way too "provocative." 

If you get "raped by a bunch of niggers it will your fault."

Oddly enough, the majority of US mainstream media only picked up on that infamous N-word, claiming it's offensive to African-Americans - not the fact that it was one word in the  midst of some unadulterated misogynistic ranting. Would it have been better if Mel said just a bunch of men? How about we peel the onion skin back a little and reveal the underlining acid belief that if a woman dresses a certain way, no matter what colour or race, men will flock to rape her, and she will have asked for it? Isn't that the core message here and not some word that's been dragged through the mud and hung up to dry with some real nasty connotation attached? 

I can't believe that the new millennium still harbours such archaic caveman beliefs. 

If we can educate people to understand the connotations attached to the word nigger, then surely it's not a big ask for them to apply the same thinking to such sexist attitudes like women ask to be raped. I get tired of having to see women amend their ways; the way they dress, speak, talk, walk, and all because society thinks it's easier - God forbid, we demand the person applying the meaning behind a word or belief to change themselves. 


July 8, 2010

Redefining Family

We've all heard the saying "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family." I can even see some of you nodding your head. Lord knows almost everyone has someone in their family that is... well, just not quite right, and an equal amount of people saying they just "don't fit in" with their so-called loved ones. So yeah, maybe you can't "pick" your family but maybe you can redefine what a family is.

Stereotypically, a family is a group of blood related people but psychologically, I think most assume that same group of people ought to come complete with unconditional love, support, and anything else that sounds real rosy. It's not an unfair assumption. It's just not a given - those haunting child abuse statistics aren't there just for shock value, they're real. And even if you have been one of the fortunate ones to have escaped such physical statistics, there's still those family members that slide right into emotional abuse. Sometimes that can be what scars the most. 

I believe some families forget even the basic rules like friendship, for one. Some even use their family status like a "get out of jail free" card which generally means they can do or say or act anyway they want and in ways they would never even dream of doing to an acquaintance or friend. All in the name of love. Bizarre.

Redefining what a family is means having to let go of those labels - father, mother, sister etc., because then, and only then, can you see these people as ...just people. 

They don't have any more 'rights' over you than the next stranger in the street. They get respect when it is earned, like anyone else. They are invited into your life as opposed to demanding you remain in theirs and in a way that suits their agenda. And like with anyone else, if they betray your trust, they are either ousted for life or at the very least, held rightfully at bay until the can be trusted again. 

We all only have one life to live. It would be shame to waste that on trying to be the person others think we should be or remain with people who refuse to accept you for who you are and a dead loss to spend your life trying to prove you ought to be a member of a family that rejects you, simply because they're better than no family at all. 
There's a lot of orphans in this world and a lot have living parents, siblings etc. - you just need to look around. 

July 6, 2010

Dear Sarnz... from your brother

slain down from your lofty post
the leader of our clan
it's you that held the rains my sis
of our love filled gang
for what my darling sister.
I can not seem to grasp
for what my lovely sister
I ask of why you've passed
it seems my gracious sisters
been taking from my arms
I'm left lonely and still wanting
my super sister sarnz
I know that you can see me
caring for me still
from that place of where you are right now
that castle on the hill
that one that you described to me
in bed time stories told
how cool it was to have that sis
it never got too old
your aura has dispersed now sis
left you body fair
your spirits all that's left now sandz
and still I sense your near
seems that body you were gifted
wasn't such a find
but its ok my sister sandz
never should you mind
for your body was not you my sis
its our souls that are in twined
please wait for me my sister sandz
for when my body bleeds like yours
it's surplus to our needs
whilst in between the here and there
I'm looking for your lead
my sacred sister sandy sandz
I wish I could've proved
that brother that you looked out for
and kept that special smile
had made his mark within this realm
of where I now reside
without my sister sandy sandz
it wont be much the ride
the only thing we wait for now
my precious sister sand
is good old father time

Tony Boney

July 5, 2010

The Tortoise and the Hare

We all know the story and more importantly, the moral behind it - it was persistence that won over that flamboyant hare; a most unlikely win for something so small and slow moving but one nevertheless. 

I, personally, relate more to the hare. Forever running at top speed to get to wherever it is I should be going and becoming distracted along the way. It's not confidence at winning the race that makes me like this. I think it's more a case of trying to be the best at everything I attempt and leaving before someone finds a flaw. Well that's the logic behind it. It's not all gloom for hare-like people. We do have our positive side. Yes, we make the race somewhat more lively. The goal seemingly more possible, too easy in fact. That alone, I believe, makes others want to take up the challenge. And, we can draw a crowd - that can be a make or break the situation. 

I've never had terribly much respect for the old tortoise, it comes across as something so old and cumbersome. I fogged off its win on the basis that the hare merely became distracted along the way. So it kind of won by default really. 

However, I have recently met a tortoise, a real one. Someone who knows exactly how they got to be where they are, can pin-point with accurate precision just how they got to be in the position they're in and moreover, where "exactly" they're suppose to be going. She has the goal in mind and is extremely focused.  

I cannot name this person because their race is not over. They're still trying to out manoeuvre that sly old hare and from all accounts, it's taken this person a long, thought-provoking, time to get where they are. The last thing she needs is some impatient old hare  exposing the strategy behind her race. 

However, what I will say is..this person's research into ACC is phenomenal. All the facts are systematically aligned with irrefutable evidence. There are some 'ghost like' people behind the current ACC Clinical Pathway 'system' and they are about to exposed for who they "really" are. It truly is a scandal of national proportion - that alone makes me wonder how this 'system' was ever implemented in the first place, let alone by the people behind the scenes who enforced it. 

Today, I take my hat off to the tortoise. 

I look forward to the day when she crosses that finish line. I shall watch the surprise of the crowd, the New Zealand public, as they witness this seemingly loosing battle unfold before their eyes, and the undeniable evidence of what she has to say. No one will say - she won by default. She would have won by sheer tenacity, persistence, and unshakable passion. 

July 2, 2010

ACC - A Confusing Conundrum

The more I read, the more confused I become. So I'm going to just spread this all out on the table and see whether anyone else can make any sense of this. I sure as hell can't.  

  • ACC changes the criteria for sex abuse victims to gain access to professional counseling. Fact. 
  • These changes result in a 95% drop in approved cases. Fact. 
  • The changes were recommended  by research conducted by professionals at Massey University. Um, well some of them were. In fact, only one was. Their recommendation for treatment of those diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). 
  • Nick Smith (ACC Minister) claims health professionals throughout New Zealand support the recommendations in place. Not true. More than 600 (previously approved) therapists have pulled away from ACC. Doctors are refusing to refer to clients. The Royal New Zealand College of General Practitioners has denounced the changes as well as several other health professions, including a small group that was set up initially by ACC. Even Massey University has distanced themselves from the "butchered research."
  • Felicity Goodyear-Smith has been linked to the new ACC changes. Fact. She is also the wife of a convicted child sex offender. Fact. She was also the GP during the Centrepoint sex scandal - to some of those victims at the time. Fact. She advocates for a website that assists men in "getting off" on sex charges. Fact. She's usually called as a defense witness in male sex offending cases. Fact. Her research supports False Memory Syndrome. Fact. She made recommendations to the recently changed guidelines now enforced by ACC. Fact.
  • Peter Jansen, ACC, claims the new Clinical Pathway (system) is based on Massey University guidelines. Fact. He then says they weren't. Fact. He also claimed the RNZCGP supported the changes. Fact. But then he apparently wrote the supporting letter. Peter Jansen is on the RNZCGP board. Fact.
There's a lot more to add to this confusing web of deceit and a lot of fine people trying to weave their way through all this mess. To me, it is simple. If there is nothing to hide then why all the cloak and daggers surrounding these changes? Why does it take people applying under the Official Information Act to simply get straight answers as to who really did implement these changes and moreover, why? Why is it that every "official" involved with the new ACC recommendations seems to have another agenda other than the obvious, which is to simply allow clients access to professional therapy? Is it really all about money, status, whitewashing true intention, or the next election?

Today's Thought

Life's not about the people who act true to your face. It's about the people who remain true behind your back.


July 1, 2010

RIP Jacqui

This morning, I was shocked to learn that Jacqui Blackbourn had died.  She was an active member of SOSA (Survivors of Sexual Abuse) and attended their first summit in June. From what little I do know, she looked to be tackling her abusive past with gusto and taking those steps to surround herself with people who supported her rather than those who held her back, like her former boyfriend. If you read between the lines, he is one person that seems to be at the center of her death.  

I also woke to messages and posts of condolence from people assuming this woman was me. "Is this the Jax that runs K1W1. She was such a brave lady. RIP." First thing first, this is not me. The sad fact of the matter, it so could easily have been me or any other woman in a similar situation. Yes, this is (allegedly) a domestic violence case, an all to sad typical homicide situation. My question is this: What is in a survivor's makeup that draws men like that into their lives? 

I have had this said to me so many times - why can't you just leave 'things' in the past? My answer has always been, no one chooses to live life this way. If there is something fundamentally flawed during those influential childhood years, you just can't carry on as if it exists. 

If the one person you trusted ended up violating that trust, how does that person carry on in life trusting anyone else? How does a woman meet a man, even in her forties, and trust he won't hurt you? How many, like Jacqui, took that risk and ended up the same way? What was her part in all this? Jacqui was just looking for love. But she was no victim. At the end of day, he was a "former boyfriend," which means, even though she was looking for love, he just didn't cut the grade. She had found that level of self respect we all struggle to find. She had decided there was something, someone, better for her out there, and she took the steps to find it - that is courage; dignity, and no one can take that from her now. She earned it. 

The last words, I leave for her brother:
"Rest in peace my darling sister love you and allways will you will never be forgotten in my heart or soul, miss you so much. to all the people that had the pleasure of having there heart lifted by her kindness and her smile thank you for being there for her."