Is it any wonder?

Christmas time - hailed the most violent time for some families and equally, the most fortuitous for domestic violence agencies nationwide to launch their awareness campaigns and, ultimately, raise funds. So why is there a drop in the number of people seeking help while the domestic violence statistics continue to rise? 

Figures released by the Family Violence Death Review Committee show 41 people lost their lives to domestic violence, compared to the 19 deaths reported to police in 2008. Sixteen of the 41 were children. http://tvnz.co.nz/national-news/concern-over-domestic-violence-statistics-3384919

The above figures, admittedly, deal with death rates. Undoubtedly, there are thousands more who survived domestic violence - thousands. We will never really know the true statistics for domestic violence in New Zealand because not every crime gets reported. 

Sure there are agencies out there primed to support fleeing mothers with their terrified off-spring but it's not cheap, financially, let alone emotionally. 

I am sure, like most of you out there who dig deep into your pockets come fund-raising time, that there was the assumption that most of these services you give your money to were actually free - like the Women's Refuge, for one. 

Now I am not ditching the organisation and I can personally state that their 'service' is not only paramount but could ultimately be responsible for saving a few lives. But I bet you never knew the women had to pay, right? 

Two Auckland based Women refuges that I looked into charged the women $190.00 and $200.00 per week respectively. No, that's not for an entire house. It's for a room in a shared house. On top of which, they were expected to pay (on average) three weeks rent in advance. If they don't have the funds, which is in most cases, they can apply to WINZ for a loan which they must pay back. After three weeks in a refuge, most women will be issued with an eviction notice. Sounds harsh but what it does do, is push them up that "qualifying" ladder when it comes to the Housing Corporation of New Zealand. 

Now aside from the fact that these women and children have been uprooted, experienced violence in the first place, they are now expected to pull it together, seek funding from a Government agency to live in a refuge and have the additional glee of being presented with an eviction notice. When do they get time to just breath? 

As I said before, I am not ditching the Women's Refuge but I will say, it's a rather prosperous business nonetheless. I mean, how many landlords in outer Auckland suburbs rake in $800.00 per week rental income on their four bedroom houses? 

That aside, the Police will always advise a woman, especially with children, to apply for a Protection Order which, as we have all come to know, is usually not worth the paper it's written on if you're one of the "lucky" ones who actually got one in the first place. A violent partner is hardly likely to back away from beating the crap out his victim cause she's standing there flapping some piece of paper. The only real use it has is, IF he breeches the Protection Order. In other words, the perp actually DOES come around after being told not to... in which case, it's really up to the police response team as to how much a victim endures, not a piece of paper. 

The answer? 

Grant the Police additional powers to enforced an instant Police Safety Order. (1400 removed by domestic violence law | Stuff.co.nz ) It has potential - it means the offender is removed from the home immediately for five days to ensure the woman has "time" to look into her options. However, of the 1400 issued thus far, only 11 proceeded to a 'Protection Order' category which is to say, a Judge agreed with the initial Police Officers decision to remove the offender and make it kind of more legal. Talk about undermining Police!

With all that in mind, it is any wonder less people are actually seeking help?

Couple on torture charges lose bail - National - NZ Herald News

A picture paints a thousand words. Thankfully, reassuringly, this picture claims only a small amount of real villains are out there but moreover, that each and every one of us has a bigger part to play than the equally calved up measure of "heroes" in this world. 

Inside that "everyone else" are people like the Waitakere District teacher who resigned out of disgust and absolute frustration because all her/his attempts to save an abused child fell on deaf ears. 

I'm calling this teacher a hero. A real one. One that obviously went out of their way to take their concerns to those we ourselves would have - Child Youth and Family - and failing that, a complaint letter to the very man at the top - Prime Minister, John Key. The fact that this teacher resigned only 4 days before Christmas when everyone else was frantic about shopping and/or how the hell they're going to pay for Christmas this year just speaks volumes. Self sacrificing. That's a real hero. 

Just how frustrating would it have been to see this young girl constantly bruised and battered in your classroom and you knowing that every night, when you suppose to be marking tests and formulating classwork so that it's fun and enjoyable for young pupils, that the same young girl is probably being beaten within an inch of her life? 

What more could this teacher have done? Kidnapped the poor child and barricaded her inside the classroom? Well at least she would have had a night's grace but reality dictates that the teacher would have been up on probably more serious charges than the parents responsible for the abuse. It does make you wonder, when you read the letter this teacher sent to John Key - what do they expect people to do about child abuse when all genuine efforts are completely ignored?

"Constantly having my concerns about this child dealt with as if they were of no consequence was a deciding factor in my resigning from my permanent teaching position." Couple on torture charges lose bail - National - NZ Herald News: 

I feel for this teacher as much as the child herself - it's torture to be tortured and it's torturous to have to be made to witness it with a gag over your mouth and your hands tied. This teacher's claims should have been fast-tracked to the very services that protect children simply because, she/he IS a teacher - they are there, every day, on the front-line, superb witnesses for those who stagger though the door. 

It's all very well to have National campaigns wagging fingers at those who don't report abuse but how about a little support for those that actually do? 

24 babies born in 24 hours

When my mother gave birth to my sister, there was no mistaking where she'd deliver - a maternity hospital.

She stayed a week and during that time, she was feed and watered and "trained" how to feed and care for her newborn. She was given time to recuperate, catch up on some sleep, and gather her thoughts about what an amazing thing just happened. Visitors came to the hospital, bringing flowers and gifts, and my sister's home-coming was something the entire family had time to plan. Mum was constantly monitored for any signs of post-natal depression. As they say, that was the good old days. 

Twenty-odd years later when I gave birth to my premature little girl, I was in and out of the hospital in less than 24 hours. I had no clue how to breastfeed. I slept on average three hours a night, my breast pump broke, and I wore a dressing gown for weeks cause I couldn't figure out how on earth you're suppose to shower or do any self-care when the little one needed it more than me. As they say, that's nowadays. 

"'There was a very quick turnaround in the delivery room. Some parts of the day were very touch-and-go. Women were in labour and we thought we were going to have to deliver in an antenatal assessment area rather than a delivery room."

This article is suppose to be about the amazing coping mechanisms of the Waitakere hospital - 24 births in as many hours - but I have to ask myself, when did the birthing process change to represent staff speed and efficiency? 

Another new mother, Titirangi woman Jo Lees, didn't hold up staff for long. She arrived at the hospital about 4.20am and gave birth to her third child, 3.31kg Tamsin, at 4.37am. 24 babies born in 24 hours - but staff cope - Hospitals - NZ Herald News: 

I think it's sad that things have changed so dramatically for women. Their wonderful glorious point of difference (the fact that we can actually give birth) has been superseded by the need to be quick and hassle-free, an "in an out" mentality. That is what "we" applaud nowadays. Bet your bottom dollar if men gave birth, there would be a mandatory three week recuperation period, paid (of course), and some Nationally prescribed army of caregivers at their service for when they returned home. 

Maybe churning out record-breaking births and sending new mothers home with no support network, information, or even a feeling of having accomplished something magical has something to do with our equally shameful high child abuse statistics. Why should some mothers value their own children when, we as a society have a framework set up to serve that "harden the fuck up" or "grin and bear it" attitude? No wonder post-natal depression figures are rising. 

I feel sorry for the new mothers of today and I have heart-felt compassion for those maternity nurses who don't like the "system" any more than I do, who took up the profession thinking they could be, should be, a new mother's first port of call when it comes to caring, support and understanding. 

I can almost hear it...Ding!...sorry, got to go, we've got a new one coming in. 

New? How bloody new at this mothering thing do you have to be to get some help around here?

WikiLeaks: US image in NZ 'has been damaged by leaks'

What an odd headline for the Herald newspaper: US image in NZ has been damaged by leaks.

I'm sorry, I must have missed something -  like their image having improved for one. I mean does the Herald really think their readers are a bunch of idiots? Of course we know the US are bullies. We didn't need some leaked bits of gossip to find that out. And we're not naive enough to think we possess no egotistical Politicians who just may have let their tongues wag in one of them all time favourite tax-paying dinners. 

What I think is bloody funny about this, is how it's all been thrown back in the face of the US. It's not what we as a Country have said, it's what they have. The US International image, since this is what the Herald seems focused on, is to look like they're a caring sharing nation when in fact, these leaks, if nothing else, show their a bunch of schoolboy bullies and, I for one, have never felt so proud of good old Helen. 

"This matters to the United States, because the Prime Minister uses military and intelligence co-operation with the US - and high-level visits in particular - to give the illusion in some circles in Washington that New Zealand is still an ally, while maintaining as much as possible New Zealand's non-aligned policies and the PM's anti-American image at home."

In other words, she did what she was paid to do - kept an alliance with the Country who voted her into power and the problem with that is? Can't say I liked Clarke much beforehand but I'd certainly have her on my side in a game of poker. 

WikiLeaks: US image in NZ 'has been damaged by leaks' - National - NZ Herald News:

Reading between the lines...

New Zealand's Domestic Violence Act has come a long way over the years. Now it includes a mandate for psychological abuse. In short, it covers violence that cannot be seen on a person's body and stalking is one of them.

Unfortunately, the Law is useless. It may have a section for policing things like stalking under domestic violence but unwanted contact from someone is hard to get anyone, let alone the Police or a Judge, to take seriously. A few years ago I applied for a protection order and was refused on the grounds that "we no longer reside together." Thanks for nothing. Meanwhile back in the jungle, this useless prick did everything but threaten me and my child and there was nothing I could do. Three months later, we were back in Court and I was granted a "no contact order" which was as good as a broken condom - you used it all right but deep down you know it's bloody useless. 

I read this article in the newspaper and I see a woman fleeing from domestic violence, her perp hard on her heels, or her bumper so it would seem. Now she's dead, driven off the road. 

Gayle Jean Anderson's car slammed into a power pole on Bush Road, about 15km from Dunedin, at 9.30pm on Friday.A Mosgiel man, who owned a dark blue 2001 Subaru Impreza, which police believe was racing or following the car driven by Ms Anderson, came forward to police yesterday, Senior Sergeant Brian Benn said. The man was known to Ms Anderson."http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/4496366/Road-toll-rises-to-three

WTF?

I read this and thought the papers have made a really stupid mistake - reprinting an old story. I say old, when in fact, it was only a few weeks ago that New Zealand woke up to hear that two teenagers attacked a police officer with a machete, but now, it's bloody well happened again. 

Two common denominators: Alcohol and weapons. Throw in some dysfunctional family stuff and you have a ready-made concoction of heavy duty trouble. Why can't people connect the dots? Moreover, why should we put our fine police officers in the front line without adequate protection from these morons? Arm our police. I never thought I'd hear myself say that but... would you walk into a "public nuisance" call armed with just a frigging baton? When people are strung out on alcohol and/or drugs they're not people you can reason with. Yet it never ceases to amaze me how these same people can form a logical conclusion when a gun is drawn. We don't pay our Police enough for this crap. 

And don't even get me started on how these teenagers may or may not have come from violent homes, as if that in itself is reason enough to go at an innocent person with a life-threatening weapon. I know plenty of people who have come from violent homes and none of them would go to this extreme. But then again, I'm not the sort of person who'd want to even drink with them in the first place. 

"'We ask that people think about where their alcohol consumption is taking them and over the holiday period, if they find things getting on top of them, take time out or seek help before the situation deteriorates,' Blow said." Two teens arrested after machete attack | Stuff.co.nz: 

Maybe that's the message here folks - choose who you want to drink with. Your life may depend on it. 

Christmas Morning

Yes folks, it's Christmas morning. Early. Some of you, I am sure, are already up, sitting on the lounge floor covered in reams of shredded Christmas paper with hypo-kids going ultra sonic and yelling for more batteries for this and for that. It's the way Christmas should be - noisy, chaotic, and real messy - a day when your kids will love you the most and only a week away from when you, in turn, will become the kid and kick up your heels on New Year's eve. Hopefully, by then, the kids would have had enough of all the festivities and have legged it to bed. Hopefully. As the saying goes "Well that's the plan, Stan."

For me, the lounge is already a graveyard of toiled gift paper, shredded from the explosive and somewhat manic exploits of Christmas morning that happened a mere few hours ago. Now it is as quiet as a mouse - I think we may have peaked too soon. 

This year, I am happy to report not one single plastic ugly flea infested dinosaur looking 'thing' made its way into my present pile. Nor did any vampire paraphernalia or kid-sized Edward Cullen tee-shirts. 

Something has happened to my child this year. Her gifts to me are no longer a mere extension of her own desires. It's the first year that I can truly look at what she has given me and know she had me in mind when she parted with her hard earned pocket money. In fact, I seriously doubt she likes anything she bought me and that just makes it even more special. Bless. Kid's eh?

Talking of special kids, I came across this story only a few minutes ago and I must admit, it really touched me. Sad to think there is a need for such fundraising but...well, there is.

"Rosie set up a stall near her home selling used books and products from their garden to support the 'nine-year-old west Auckland victim' who has recently been in the media." Girl, 9, raises $109 for abuse victim - national | Stuff.co.nz: 

Good one you Rosie and on behalf of me and my family, may I wish all the children, especially those within violent homes ...

(ten minutes later)... 

How do you wish children who suffer violence a merry Christmas especially when you know this time of the year is even worse for those kids? For them, this time of the year is when they start to think they're really weird. Excluded. Isolated. Alone...alienated. An alien. A monster no one wants to be around. Rotten fruit. Tainted. Second hand. 

Logic, in a child's mind, says that they're responsible for the violence. They caused it. Whatever they're doing makes people react violently and so they internalise everything - put the actions of those sick adults back on themselves. 

I can't stop the violence. I wish I could. I wish my fantasy would become real and I could fly above rooftops with a super-sonic internal crying detector and scoop down and beat the crap out of offenders...but I can't. 

All I have is hope. 

I hope that everyone of those children find something inside themselves, like an internal brick wall, that they can at least hide behind for a while. So that the words, the finger pointing, the name calling, the shit that eats into one's soul cannot, will not, get in and like a true butterfly, one day they will emerge: in full flight, radiant and proud - a true survivor. 

That is what I hope for.

Merry Christmas little butterflies, merry Christmas.