June 25, 2010

To my friends...

At some point in life, you just sit down and take a long hard look at where you are and if you're lucky, you either don't feel the need to do this or you like where things are heading. Other times, like for me right now, you look and look and look and nothing is right. Nothing is where it should be. This is about the time depression could seep in. Especially if you keep looking back in life and seeing those crossroads in life where you know, you just know, you made the wrong turn. I've seen a lot of those crossroads lately and I've made a conscious decision to look at them, honor them for that they are, and then... move on.
Moving on is not as easy as people think. I think we're all inherently stubborn when it comes to change. I don't think it's because we don't like adventure. I think it's because, with change, we know some things in life and, yes, some people in our lives, will need to be left behind. The decision to move, to alter the pathway we're on is made a lot easier however, when you sit back and see that those you leave behind weren't really in your life anyhow. Sad but true. If nothing else, they have become anchors, something to hold onto as you drift on a current going nowhere. 

Strength comes from letting go.  

This has to be one of the most scariest things in life - letting go. In my mind's eye, I see it as opening up your hands and loosening that grip on a life raft that's kept your head above water. Why on earth would someone want to do that- wouldn't that mean you'd just be left flaying around out in the deep sea, lost forevermore? That is the fear of change talking, the sound of doubt. Better to be safe than sorry, as they say - keep holding on. 
I've learned this... letting go does not mean drowning. It doesn't even mean exhaustion at keeping afloat. It doesn't mean your heading off to nowhere in particular without a plan or a clue because even nowhere is somewhere. Moving away from one thing also means moving towards another, towards something quite different - a change, and with that, opportunity and a new, fresh, look at what things might become.
And the true beauty of change is friends, real friends, the ones that open up their hearts and homes, allowing you to come aboard their raft for a while so you can catch your breath before moving on. Isolation is the killer these days - not change, not moving - but the fear of being alone. 

So, if, like me, you have sat back and taken stock of your life and realised that it just isn't going the way you expected, accept some things have to change and move on. Only, arm yourself with a boat load of real friends because then, and only then, will your trip be richly rewarded. Reach out because you will always find a friend disguised as a hand, a smile, even a wink. And never...never look back.


  1. ...just don't let them realize.....keep posting now and then and you won't look rejected and they won't win...they can't bloody win. I'll log in on my daughters fb again if it ttakes that. Just remember the agenda

  2. ..and...and..make yerself look good. Slag off an x on radio. and then on fb. Get that righteous hit. But coveyour arse. Gotta have that love dolls.

  3. I am flattered. My heinous family members, namely my dearest darling sister, is here showing her true colors, adding weight to what I say.

    She appears to me like a vampire with teeth gnashing waiting for blood.

    If I was such a burden, such a liar, as she claims... why waste your time posting on my blog. It's free. Start up your own "Let's hate Jack Campaign" and stop riding on my coattails.

    You silly silly little girl. By the way, miss alcoholic, you wine is in the fridge along with your distorted perception on life and your baggage.. feel free to check out babe!

  4. Jax have moved on, you should too but be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow!!

  5. Message to sister of Jax:

    I never fight with an ugly person - why you ask? cos you have nothing to loose!

  6. There are no quick answers to the questions you have, you wont be walking away from anything. The problem is within you there is no where you can go that it will not follow. Your sister is probably sick of you on/off destructive self loathing and the tendancy of people suffering from that to express/project/ and verbalize that towards others.

    You know better, I think you just dont care, because it's easier to show people how you really feel, more honest, more real, but it breaks some social rules that while you dont place much weight in them, others do, you've burned so many bridges that way.

    I hope, very much, that you find peace within yourself one day. I dont mean that in some religious sense of faith, but rather faith in yourself. A faith that you are love-able, that you do deserve to feel at rest, and most of all a faith that the constant noise inside your head will one day fall silent and the torment your feeling will one day be over.

    What you are doing here,.. waging this war, is self destructive, I think you know that. I also think you dont care. Perhaps .. no I'm sure you would care if you understood, as I can see, that this is hurting you more than it will ever help you. Your actions are like the snake that bites itself, slowing killing itself, with it's own poison.

    I hope very much, that you understand what I've written.

  7. Thank you Nigel.

    You have some valid points. Yes, some of this is self destructive and then again, most of this blog is nothing more than honoring memories of people come and gone - as in Max etc and many more to come. I cannot see the harm or the self-destructive stuff in that.

    Yes, this story stems from a place of sexual abuse and yes, some family members might not like that and yes, I have other things that I want to write about in my life that have nothing to do with family I am not saying that my life began with sexual abuse, what I am saying (obviously badly)is that .. fuck me, there is more to me than THAT label.

    It's a starting point cause (fuck me)that's actually where my life started.... it doesn't mean I won't write about happy times, times that don't involve the cops, or sleeping restlessly or... this is just a "part of me".

    What erks me is people thinking it should be "apart from me," like it never happened.It did. The response, on this open forum, proves it's not about what happened to me as much as what WILL happen to those who acknowledge it.

    I am not out for everyone saying "hand on heart,my poor sister (whatever) is a poor victim."

    But I am fucked if I will relent and say nothing happened cause it... kind of...inconveniences the way people want to live THEIR lives.

    I am quite happy, as this blog shows, to leave those who think ;like that alone.... I only wish for the same accordance. That and that alone, is MY issue right now.

  8. My comments........there's parts of this story that go way back and way deep that I do not know, but, Is he (whoever Nige is, lol) trying to say that wherever you go, there you are.? IMHO, as a fellow nutter with constant noise in my head (para.3), The noises in our heads and the sorrow in our hearts are constant companions, even as we are moving ourselves somewhere new. BUT, its sometimes all thats needed to see things clearly, from a new perspective. (Moving on). Wish I was as eloquent as you.... <3 and WTF, anyway, its always an adventure!!!

  9. Jac,

    I know you are going through a bad time in your life and want you to know that I am always there for you. No matter what, I believe in you and will support and stand by you. Please do not feel alone and helpless as I am here for you always. Believe in yourself as I definitely believe in you and your abilities to succeed. Do not worry, persevere and you will definitely achieve your dreams.


  10. As a victim of sexual abuse myself when I was little and the knowledge that my mother and father didn't particularly like me, or need me in their life, I know first hand, how totally soul destroying that is to a child.
    A mother/father nucleus of a family is the anchor that holds children all withing the family circle and keeps them safe and secure, but when a parent abuses the natural healthy growth of a child, they create a defective, needy child, who is filled with insecurities and will for the rest of their lives, fight against the unfairness of that rejection.
    To add to that soul destroying rejection, is the fact that the siblings usually side with the parents. Their lives are safe and secure because they are loved and wanted, which further pushes the victimized child out of the family circle.
    I could go on in great detail about how that feels to have no one in the family who likes or needs you in their lives, but in the end, what does it achieve, us victims have already been destroyed very young and it is a lifetime sentence of depression and floundering in the stormy seas of life trying to stay alive. We are constantly thrashing around out of our depth trying to stay afloat and always wishing someone in the family would throw us a lifeline, but we just know, nobody cares enough about us to even begin to understand what it feels like to be a not wanted child, it is left to strangers to hold out their hands as we struggle past their islands and they haul us up on their beaches to catch our breath and feel a bit of love and warmth.
    Jacquie, you take excellent care of you girl, you have many sisters and brothers in kind out here, who knows how painful it is to be rejected by blood family. Hugs xxxx

  11. So many things have happened in my life that were unfair, as I think back over them I can get pretty pissed off if I let myself. The fact is I dont tend too think of them at all. Not because I dont want to be upset, but moreover because they are over, done with.

    People who constantly cycle over past events have a problem with cycling thoughts. It's actually very common. Its also very damaging to the future when your constantly reliving the past. You cant change it, gee I wish that was possible sometimes. Its a good way to induce srious mental illness, because over time fantasy anger and events start to creep in, thats were it gets really dangerous and disorders like Bi-polar start to be created in the brain by the person themselves (yep we can make ourselves sick just by thinking a certain way long enough). Which is way I cautioned you about non-acceptance, and rage, not because I have some social norm that I want to impose, but more because I know exactly where this will take you.

    I'm sorry, but I cant see how your 'fucked if you relent' I think thats the I-like-the-way-am, comfortable aspect to being like this. No one ever changes because it sounds like fun, they it because they have too. I think it would be much better for you to change because you see the benefit in a different way, rather than some more negative reasons.

    Dont get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you stop fighting for what you believe in, not all. Nor am I suggesting that you validate and embrace aspects of your past you dont like. I'm simply suggesting that you accept the past is something you cant change and that, that is ok. Because really it is.

    I'm suggesting that you embark on a search for what brings you inner peace, and defend THAT at all costs. It's a more worthy fight than any other battle I undertook. Defend your right to be happy, rather than your right to protest a past you cannot change. It just makes better sense for you as a person to by striving for a cause you can achieve.

    The art of war teaches us, that we must be prepared to take a 'WIN' even when it is not obviously such. Knowing what 'WIN' is, if far more important than knowing what 'LOSE' is.

  12. Say what Nige?? When you say "So many things have happened in my life that were unfair, as I think back over them I can get pretty pissed off if I let myself." are you seriously comparing your "unfair" experience with being sexually abused by a parent? Were you sexually abused by a parent? If not you have no business comparing grapes with farking watermelons.

    More on? WTF? Maybe, Jac would of if she had the support of her family in doing so. Personally, I think she is doing a bloody great job of 'moving on' writing this blog and shifting from an unsupportive enivonment. What is 'moving on' from child sexual abuse in your mind and how do you get there seen you are a bit of an expert in this advise area on child sexual abuse?

  13. We didn't ask for the war in the first place, it is forcibly inflicted upon children, but at what price do we win, the calateral damage to the mind and soul is sometimes immense and irreparable. Maybe it is the kind of personality we have that makes the difference whether we can leave it all behind and carry on satisfactorily, but the act of parental betrayal is a very big thing to a child.

  14. @Nige - "People who constantly cycle over past events have a problem with cycling thoughts. It's actually very common. Its also very damaging to the future when your constantly reliving the past."

    I am sorry but you just don't understand. For me, the sexual abuse I suffered (age 5-7) is not something I "constantly cycle over". It is something that has affected me because it disrupted my emotional development. I never developed proper parental attachment, I never learned to trust people, I never learned that I was okay and I never learned that sex should be good (I cannot tell you how many relationships that problem has ruined). Most importantly, I never learned that I felt "different" because of the sexual abuse - I thought I was "different" because I was ugly, bad, smelly, unworthy, disgusting and not deserving of life. No one knew about the abuse so no one could help me learn otherwise. Those feelings were never challenged and they permeated deeply into my life. I now have very little self-esteem, a major problem with social anxiety, a dead-end job and a failing marriage - and I still feel like that's what I deserve. I never think about the abuse itself. The problem is the effect it had. I could have been happy and successful and confident - I'm not because I learned that I'm a piece of shit at age 5. So please don't tell me that I shouldn't "constantly cycle over past events". Erasing the effects of the abuse would mean going back and starting my emotional development all over again. It's taken me almost three years of counselling to be able to explain all of that - and as you can tell, I've barely begun to repair the damage. One day I WILL believe I deserve a decent life and then I'll go out and get one. That's called hope.

    @mamarewog - right on, babe! :)

  15. I won't pretend to understand all that Nigel had to say on this posting but I would like to comment on a line he wrote:

    "Defend your right to be happy, rather than your right to protest a past you cannot change."

    Nigel, I am not protesting a past I cannot change. I merely mentioned my past I cannot change and those who don't even like me mentioning the past I cannot change, step tight into my present and insist I put a gag on my trap.

    If that happens all to often, the past I cannot change never gets a chance to become something in the past. Here's in the here and now, and that is the struggle for survivors, when they fight to break free and areswipes pop up to try and pull them back.

    Oh we'd love nothing more than to put stuff "in the past." Believe me, having crap like this thrown in your face is NOT something I actively go in search for. I, like anyone else, has the right to MY story. My family don't like it. Too bad. I'm not going to stop just because it makes them feel... uncomfortable. That's their shit, not mine.

    So I will..Defend MY right to be happy DESPITE a past I cannot change. (I think you were kind of trying to say that.)


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