Okay, I am a "survivor" of child sex abuse. I've had over a decade (all up) in counselling. Some good, some bad - goes with the territory I suppose - one of those insane prices you tend to have to pay. But I don't consider myself mad. I truly think I used to be and I apologise in advance to those who had to endure that, but lately,just lately, I'm starting to feel that noose around my neck again - the one that says "Oh, you're a sexual abuse survivor, so that's why you did so and so..."
I am starting to wonder .... when do "we" stop paying the price? When do we stop labelling ourselves? Sure, we call ourselves "survivors" but is that cause it's just more PC? If we have truly shifted from victim to survivor then why, pray do tell, are we constantly defined, pushed back into that "victim" status and reprimanded if we don't "behave" like victims?
I ask this because actions I have done over the last few days have been referred to the actions of a sexually abused person. Those actions are therefore undermined, frowned upon, even pitied and I don't want that. Why can't my current actions stand on their own two feet, with merit, like normal person? Why must it be "Oh, she's just doing this or that because she was sexually abused?" Why can't I just be an irrational pissed off cow bag or worse, for those concerned, that I may actually have some merit, some credibility, a point?
I mean, if a drug user, whose been clean for over a decade for example, started "ranting" about the Government, would we all say, "Oh he's only saying all that cause he used to be an addict?" Could not that same person be just airing their opinions about something that pisses him off?
Why must the past define us all the time and by default, any action we do or say or feel or want, desire, or hope, be seen as motivated by that particular event? It intrigues me.
Case in point:
Here is a posting about me on the SOSA website.
"...It came as a surprise when the same person started making comments about events that occurred at the hui in a public forum. We held back from responding on this blog so as not fuel the fire, understanding that many (if not all) survivors, when hurting and struggling with the legacies of the abuse, direct their rage against themselves or the people who are trying to help rather than confronting the abuser. Holding back, however becomes hard when the other party lacks the courage to sort out disagreements in person and instead starts a hate campaign on a public blog."
Firstly, I did not write about the SOSA hui and the outrageous events that took place because I was sexually abused. I write about it cause I considered certain members' actions as immoral. But this published website comment doesn't feel like that. I look at it and think the "sexual abuse" flag is being used once again as an excuse, like everything I have to say is negated because of my tragic past. It's the same "brick wall" that is used to hide the actual crime, the same wall that some thrash their heads upon when going through the judicial system, the same negating bullshit when survivors have to struggle against the likes of ACC or unbelieving family members.
That's what makes Gudrun's post on SOSA website even worse - the fact that it comes from SOSA is bad enough. The fact that it comes from a psychotherapist claiming to want to help women is unforgivable. How can you help when you use the very ammunition, used in their childhood, against them as grown adults?
Gee, makes you wonder doesn't it? Am I saying that as a woman in her own right or "just" a sexually abused victim? Food for thought.