April 26, 2010

Back to nature - I think not!

Took darling sweet child to river yesterday. Took dog too. Thought dog off "heat" now so no need to worry. Child has never been on heat, so all good there...nice walk until two dogs sent "oh yummy" messages to our flirty dog 'Charlie Hot-Pants.' 

Child and I, in a moment of profound wisdom, race left into bushes. Mother and child slip down side of cliff towards river. Child has gravel in knickers. Mother has twigs. Dog wags tail. Now trapped, darling child decides she needs to go to the toilet. No needs - MUST! 

Holding rampant flirty dog on lead while standing in rapids, I assist said child in a discreet pee. Said child falls into river. Flirty dog goes ballistic. Dry towel, now wet. Cigarettes in backpack catch current to Wellington. Shoe comes off. Child hurls abuse at flirty dog who now thinks this is a great game. Lead gets caught around my legs. Dog has child's knickers and shoe. I go for swim.

Mother subjects world to a bout of tourettes. Child lunges for knickers. Dog sees this coming. Tug-a-war ensues. Child yells at dog in five different languages. Dog looks puzzled. I yell every dog command known to man. Dog let's knickers go. Dog is praised. Dog lets shoe go. I chase shoe. Dog chases shoe. Shoe wins. Child suspends foot trying to put on knickers. I rein in dog. Child disappears. Dog lunges for lost child. I go unwillingly with dog. Child propells out of water. Dog prasies child. Child blames mother. Mother blames dog. Dog wags tail. 

Mother and child tranverse back up cliff. Dog leads. Two joggers scream as we spring from a bush. Dog does "bring it on" motion. Child ducks for cover. Dog looks for child. Dog spots knickers. Child inherits tourettes. Dog is confused. Lead strangles mother. Child scrambles to put on knickers. Joggers return. Mother ducks for cover. Dog springs into "tada" moment with joggers. Joggers ask if they can help. Child stands, triumphant. She has knickers on. Jogger's eyebrows raise. Mother plays dead. Joggers leave. Child yells at mother. Mother yells at dog. Dog wags tail.

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